For someone who gave her daughter the middle name Joy, it's sad that I have spent so much of my life afraid of joy. 

For a while, feeling joy was quickly followed by the fear of something bad happening, the other shoe dropping suddenly. Joy was a superstition. Feeling joy, to me, was like wishing for 7 years bad luck.

Then, after our son passed away just before his 2nd birthday, joy became this gift that was for someone else. Joy was not for me. I became fearful when I saw someone else experience joy. I wanted to shout, "Don't you know it can all be taken from you in a second?"

As time passed, joy started to creep in. It started in small ways, spending time with family, watching my daughter hit milestones, teaching her to read, building new friendships, and deepening my relationship with my husband. All these things snowballed into...Joy! But all I felt was overwhelming guilt.

I felt guilty to be experiencing joy when my son was dead. All the joy in the world couldn't bring him back. How dare I be happy when my family was broken. I felt like I didn't deserve joy.

Friends, this was a terrible way to live my life. I found myself faking happiness for those around when inside I was suffering. My insides were decaying. I was bitter and angry.

The thing about life though, is that nothing ever stays the same including those hurts and difficult emotions. I was gentle with myself and allowed myself to process those emotions as they came. It took me a long time to cycle through and begin anew. Maybe too long some would same. But every story is different.

I'm now on a new chapter. Opening my heart to God and letting Him in has brought such a stirring inside me. I can feel the changes within me blooming outward. When I'm sad; I cry. When I'm happy; I laugh and smile. I'm hungry for more. More life. More learning. I yearn to draw closer to God. Hungry for His word.

I want Joy. I still have so much life to live. This is not all that I am. God created me for a purpose. Although I don't know, yet, what that purpose is I know that I have one. I may feel broken, but I know that He can mend me and use me.

Some wandered in desert wastes, finding no way to a city to dwell in;hungry and thirsty, their soul fainted within them.
Then they cried to the Lord in their trouble, and he delivered them from their distress. 
He led them by a straight way till they reached a city to dwell in.
Let them thank the Lord for his steadfast love, for his wondrous works to the children of man!
For he satisfies the longing soul, and the hungry soul he fills with good things.
Psalms 107: 4-9