I wanted to share my internal ah ha moment from this morning. 

A friend asked me for advice a few days ago. This morning, I checked up on her and discovered that she had brushed my advice aside. What? Why would she do that? Did she not see that my advice was the only sane solution to her problem? My advice would save her so much time and frustration, yet she just cast it aside. 

Have you been there? Have you felt frustration when you warned or gave advice and no one was listening? You come so close to coming unglued because your words are not being heard. 

Then it happened. I realized, fully, that I was doing the same thing. How often had I gone to God in prayer over a problem that to me was huge but to him was so small? God would lay the answer out in front of me, I smile and nod "Yes, God you are so right!" But moments later I'd stubbornly return to my own idle thoughts, turning away from the path that he JUST put before me. How hurtful that must be for Him. 

When I gave my friend that advice, I did so with love and I wanted only the very best for her. Isn't that where God is coming from? He sees my path clearly and wants the very best for me. He loves me and wants me to choose the path that will lead me to where I need to be. But time after time I stand up and say "That's good advice God, but I'm going to go my own way. Maybe you know that this path will take me where I need to go, but my path looks easier and more convenient to me at this time. See you later God, I'm heading out on my journey now." 

Psalms 16:11 says "You make known to me the path of life; you will fill me with joy in your presence, with eternal pleasures at your right hand." 

Whose path are you on? Yours or His?

P.S Next time I'm just going to love on my friend and skip the directions! Who am I to give advice?

Thank God it's Friday. I don't think I've ever meant those words as much as I do right now.

Thank God it's Friday and our restful days are coming soon.

Thank you God for getting me through this week without tears.

Thank you God for blessing my body and mind with the strength I needed to get through this week.

Thank you God for showing me joy and happiness in the little things.

Thank God it's Friday!

As most of you are well aware, Wednesday was Meghan's very first day of school. I was worried for a number of reasons. Would she like school? How would I handle being alone for that time during the day, especially being August? Would the extra gas be too much of a financial strain? Could I handle the extra physical activity? Would I be able to keep up with the house?

Tuesday night, I gave it up. I stopped worrying and gave it to God. What was meant to happen would happen no matter how much or how little I worried about it. I made my schedule out to stay on top of the household chores and to stay busy while she was in school, then I let the rest go. I found peace in Meghan's excitement and found myself becoming excited too.

Wednesday came and no tears were shed. Meghan loved school!

I welcomed bitterness into my heart. I felt anger towards some of my most loved friends, simply because their children continued to grow while my son did not. I let my pain become hatred when I saw pictures of baby announcements or kid's first day of school. I turned the hatred inward and was self destructive. I sabotaged my own efforts to become healthier. I put myself down. I wanted to give up, I wanted to cease living. Something big was missing from my life; happiness.

I cannot say it was any one thing, but slowly the bitterness started to wear off. I needed to make a decision, do I hold onto my anger and bitterness or do I find ways to create happiness within myself? I started small with Cognitive Behavior Therapy and began challenging my negative, irrational thoughts. More and more often I started spinning my thoughts into positives "Yes, ___ hurts/sucks/is a bad situation, but I can/still have/at least ___."  I started choosing to participate in my own life. I started saying yes instead of no. I started letting people in. I chose happiness.

I want to tell you, letting happiness back in was the best thing I've ever done. I'm always going to have bad days, I'm only human after all, but now I have the tools to get through those bad days. I am allowing myself to live and I'm letting go of the blackness that had taken over. I am managing my life with the help of friends and family, instead of medications. I am letting go of the guilt that for so long followed after the briefest moment of happiness.

And slowly, I am learning to love myself.

Today has been a good day. Robert is on vacation until the 18th and we're having a nice, quiet time at home. It's such a blessing to be able to write our own schedule and have lots of family time for a several days at a time.

Yesterday, his first vacation day, we used the gift card he received for his birthday (from Papa and Grammy) to have breakfast at Cracker Barrel. It was so nice to be out on a weekday morning, taking our time with a happy breakfast. We then met some friends to see Mr Peabody and Sherman. Meghan sat next to her friend, Cade and shared jokes.

Today, Robert let me sleep in and wake up on my own time. We took a trip to the library and all picked out books to read and movies to watch. Meghan met a little girl only slightly younger than her, named Molly. Molly had a big, outgoing personality much like Meghan's. They were so much alike and got along so well. Upon saying goodbye, they hugged and Molly exclaimed "We're just like twins!" We exchanged contact information and I hope to meet up with them sometime in the future.

Robert and I scheduled a couple days at a resort near Tampa. We're going to spend a few days at museums, on the beach, playing board games, and just having silly family time. Two years ago, we also spent Max's anniversary on the beach. Doing something together as a family helped us get through those tough moments. I'm hoping that our little trip will help with that this year as well. We have not made plans for Max's birthday yet, though we usually release balloons and eat cake. I am fearful that Meghan will have a lot more difficult questions this time around. Although we have always talked about Max and shown her pictures of him, it's difficult for her to understand.

Prayer Requests:
Our strength during this difficult time, especially on the 12th and 17th.
Our safety on our trip next week (we'll be leaving on Monday).
My mother's safety as she drives by herself from NJ to FL. She is returning home, to stay, after 10+ years!
Our church family who is on a mission trip in Guatemala.

The older I get, the faster the pages of the calendar flip by. Months feel like weeks and a year is nothing. I remember waiting for important dates as a child, those magical milestone birthdays, the first day of school, Christmas, my first concert (The O.C Supertones, Jennifer Knapp, and Audio Adrenaline), and my first date. The days went by so very slowly. The more excited I was for a big day to come, the slower it approached.

Now time is on a hyper mode, starting and ending with August. Those that have been around for a while know that "August" is almost a four lettered word in our household. Just mentioning August is enough to make us suck in a breath, or make our hearts plummet into our stomachs. August is not a happy month for our little family. It's a month that signifies pain, loss, heartache, flashbacks, and fantasies of what could have been. It's the month that holds the anniversary of our son's death and just days later, his birthday. Our Max died on August 12th, 2010. He would have been two on August 17th. This year he would have turned 6. He would have been entering the 1st grade. Those are the worst words of all, "would have".

Here's the thing about grief, there is no normal. There's no such thing as a routine. I cannot look back at the other Augusts and expect them to be an indicator of what this August will be like. The phrase "one day at a time" is my mantra. I have, however, noticed subtle differences in my own behavior and feelings. In previous years, I was angry. I was angry at everyone and everything. I was especially angry at myself. Every breath I took I was angry to still be breathing when my son was not. I pulled away from others and sheltered myself. I faked my way through social outings or just didn't show up at all. I canceled things, a lot.

This year just feels different. My outlook is somehow brighter. Since ceasing my medications two months ago, I'm finding it easier to laugh and easier to cry. I can feel again and I'm allowing myself to feel everything. I'm learning who I can lean on and am working on making the effort to reach out when I need help. I'm planning ahead for the difficult days. I know who I can call if I feel low and need to talk. I know who I can call if I need to lifted up or to be distracted with laughter. For the first time, I do not feel alone. I know I have people to turn to now. I have my friends and I have my church to get me through.

This month will be hard, but I will be ok.