My last blog helped me work through some of my darkest moments, but now that I'm on this whole positivity  kick, I felt I needed to separate myself from those darker times. There are not words to describe just how difficult it is to lose a child. The hurt is always there and honestly I don't want that hurt to leave because it feels like letting go of the one thing I never ever want to let go of, my son. I will always miss Max, but I am at the point now, that I need to let go of the anger and bitterness that I carried for so long. Living a life full of anger is not what I want for myself and not how I want to be seen. Which is why I have decided to move away from my old blog and start fresh.

With positivity in mind, let's talk about the good things that have happened in the recent months.

Health
It has been just shy of two months since I last took medication. I am now off of all of my prescriptions for my various illnesses and I am doing really well! I've managed to cope with my issues on my own and have found relief from the many side effects the pills were causing. I'm less fatigued and able to be more active. With an additional diagnosis, I've been learning to listen more closely to my body for the little warning signs that I'm over doing things. I still have a long way to go, but I'm happy with the progress.

Freedom to GO!
We purchased a second vehicle back in May. This is the first car that I've been able to pick out and call mine. With Meghan starting pre-school in August, being a one car family was no longer an option. Having two vehicles has allowed us a freedom that we used to take for granted. Little things like being able to grocery shop on a weekday or visit the park has made a world of difference for me.

Our Return to Church 
A little over a month ago, we decided to visit a church close to our home. We had been hearing great things about this church for a while and wanted to check it out. There was always a reason why we didn't go. Up late, not feeling well, not ready to brave it, what if we don't like it, what if they don't like us etc. I knew it was all excuses and the truth was that I was just scared to take that first step. It had been a long time since we had been to church. Honestly, it wasn't even the bitterness and anger that kept me away, it was more about my fear of feeling. I had only visited a church once after Max died. All of those songs and verses about God giving up his only son just stung. I couldn't hear those words without wallowing in my own pain. The truth is, I've spent the last (almost) four years avoiding anything that may have reminded me or triggered that deep hurt.

Finally, I woke up one morning, tired from not sleeping well the night before, and announced that it was time. We went and we loved it. Everyone we've met has been so very friendly and welcoming. I feel like I'll never learn everyone's names but I keep trying. The best part, is seeing how much Meghan enjoys going to church and hearing her tell us all about the things she learns. Yesterday, I took Meghan with me to the "grown up" church. She had been asking for several days about where we went after we dropped her off at Lil K. She sat so well, sang along to the songs (even though she didn't know the words), and snuggled into me during the sermon. Best of all, she smiled all the way through and announced that "grown up church is awesome!" at the end of the service.

Finding my Voice
One thing I'm still working on, but it has been improving, is finding my voice in those times of darkness. This August will be four years since we lost Max. Robert will be taking off of work for two weeks so we can cling together as we get through the anniversary of his loss and what would have been his 6th birthday. Meghan will be starting school just 3 days later (on the 20th) and a huge part of me wants to just scream about how unfair it is that he never had a first day of school. I am also fearful about how I will physically handle the extra activity Meghan starting school will bring. I would greatly appreciate your prayers and support as we fight through August. Please also forgive me if I seem flighty, as sometimes I just have to cancel without warning, some days are just harder than others. And lastly, if you are local, let me know if I can call on you if I need someone to help me through a rough day.

Thanks for being there!