I welcomed bitterness into my heart. I felt anger towards some of my most loved friends, simply because their children continued to grow while my son did not. I let my pain become hatred when I saw pictures of baby announcements or kid's first day of school. I turned the hatred inward and was self destructive. I sabotaged my own efforts to become healthier. I put myself down. I wanted to give up, I wanted to cease living. Something big was missing from my life; happiness.

I cannot say it was any one thing, but slowly the bitterness started to wear off. I needed to make a decision, do I hold onto my anger and bitterness or do I find ways to create happiness within myself? I started small with Cognitive Behavior Therapy and began challenging my negative, irrational thoughts. More and more often I started spinning my thoughts into positives "Yes, ___ hurts/sucks/is a bad situation, but I can/still have/at least ___."  I started choosing to participate in my own life. I started saying yes instead of no. I started letting people in. I chose happiness.

I want to tell you, letting happiness back in was the best thing I've ever done. I'm always going to have bad days, I'm only human after all, but now I have the tools to get through those bad days. I am allowing myself to live and I'm letting go of the blackness that had taken over. I am managing my life with the help of friends and family, instead of medications. I am letting go of the guilt that for so long followed after the briefest moment of happiness.

And slowly, I am learning to love myself.

Today has been a good day. Robert is on vacation until the 18th and we're having a nice, quiet time at home. It's such a blessing to be able to write our own schedule and have lots of family time for a several days at a time.

Yesterday, his first vacation day, we used the gift card he received for his birthday (from Papa and Grammy) to have breakfast at Cracker Barrel. It was so nice to be out on a weekday morning, taking our time with a happy breakfast. We then met some friends to see Mr Peabody and Sherman. Meghan sat next to her friend, Cade and shared jokes.

Today, Robert let me sleep in and wake up on my own time. We took a trip to the library and all picked out books to read and movies to watch. Meghan met a little girl only slightly younger than her, named Molly. Molly had a big, outgoing personality much like Meghan's. They were so much alike and got along so well. Upon saying goodbye, they hugged and Molly exclaimed "We're just like twins!" We exchanged contact information and I hope to meet up with them sometime in the future.

Robert and I scheduled a couple days at a resort near Tampa. We're going to spend a few days at museums, on the beach, playing board games, and just having silly family time. Two years ago, we also spent Max's anniversary on the beach. Doing something together as a family helped us get through those tough moments. I'm hoping that our little trip will help with that this year as well. We have not made plans for Max's birthday yet, though we usually release balloons and eat cake. I am fearful that Meghan will have a lot more difficult questions this time around. Although we have always talked about Max and shown her pictures of him, it's difficult for her to understand.

Prayer Requests:
Our strength during this difficult time, especially on the 12th and 17th.
Our safety on our trip next week (we'll be leaving on Monday).
My mother's safety as she drives by herself from NJ to FL. She is returning home, to stay, after 10+ years!
Our church family who is on a mission trip in Guatemala.

The older I get, the faster the pages of the calendar flip by. Months feel like weeks and a year is nothing. I remember waiting for important dates as a child, those magical milestone birthdays, the first day of school, Christmas, my first concert (The O.C Supertones, Jennifer Knapp, and Audio Adrenaline), and my first date. The days went by so very slowly. The more excited I was for a big day to come, the slower it approached.

Now time is on a hyper mode, starting and ending with August. Those that have been around for a while know that "August" is almost a four lettered word in our household. Just mentioning August is enough to make us suck in a breath, or make our hearts plummet into our stomachs. August is not a happy month for our little family. It's a month that signifies pain, loss, heartache, flashbacks, and fantasies of what could have been. It's the month that holds the anniversary of our son's death and just days later, his birthday. Our Max died on August 12th, 2010. He would have been two on August 17th. This year he would have turned 6. He would have been entering the 1st grade. Those are the worst words of all, "would have".

Here's the thing about grief, there is no normal. There's no such thing as a routine. I cannot look back at the other Augusts and expect them to be an indicator of what this August will be like. The phrase "one day at a time" is my mantra. I have, however, noticed subtle differences in my own behavior and feelings. In previous years, I was angry. I was angry at everyone and everything. I was especially angry at myself. Every breath I took I was angry to still be breathing when my son was not. I pulled away from others and sheltered myself. I faked my way through social outings or just didn't show up at all. I canceled things, a lot.

This year just feels different. My outlook is somehow brighter. Since ceasing my medications two months ago, I'm finding it easier to laugh and easier to cry. I can feel again and I'm allowing myself to feel everything. I'm learning who I can lean on and am working on making the effort to reach out when I need help. I'm planning ahead for the difficult days. I know who I can call if I feel low and need to talk. I know who I can call if I need to lifted up or to be distracted with laughter. For the first time, I do not feel alone. I know I have people to turn to now. I have my friends and I have my church to get me through.

This month will be hard, but I will be ok. 

My last blog helped me work through some of my darkest moments, but now that I'm on this whole positivity  kick, I felt I needed to separate myself from those darker times. There are not words to describe just how difficult it is to lose a child. The hurt is always there and honestly I don't want that hurt to leave because it feels like letting go of the one thing I never ever want to let go of, my son. I will always miss Max, but I am at the point now, that I need to let go of the anger and bitterness that I carried for so long. Living a life full of anger is not what I want for myself and not how I want to be seen. Which is why I have decided to move away from my old blog and start fresh.

With positivity in mind, let's talk about the good things that have happened in the recent months.

Health
It has been just shy of two months since I last took medication. I am now off of all of my prescriptions for my various illnesses and I am doing really well! I've managed to cope with my issues on my own and have found relief from the many side effects the pills were causing. I'm less fatigued and able to be more active. With an additional diagnosis, I've been learning to listen more closely to my body for the little warning signs that I'm over doing things. I still have a long way to go, but I'm happy with the progress.

Freedom to GO!
We purchased a second vehicle back in May. This is the first car that I've been able to pick out and call mine. With Meghan starting pre-school in August, being a one car family was no longer an option. Having two vehicles has allowed us a freedom that we used to take for granted. Little things like being able to grocery shop on a weekday or visit the park has made a world of difference for me.

Our Return to Church 
A little over a month ago, we decided to visit a church close to our home. We had been hearing great things about this church for a while and wanted to check it out. There was always a reason why we didn't go. Up late, not feeling well, not ready to brave it, what if we don't like it, what if they don't like us etc. I knew it was all excuses and the truth was that I was just scared to take that first step. It had been a long time since we had been to church. Honestly, it wasn't even the bitterness and anger that kept me away, it was more about my fear of feeling. I had only visited a church once after Max died. All of those songs and verses about God giving up his only son just stung. I couldn't hear those words without wallowing in my own pain. The truth is, I've spent the last (almost) four years avoiding anything that may have reminded me or triggered that deep hurt.

Finally, I woke up one morning, tired from not sleeping well the night before, and announced that it was time. We went and we loved it. Everyone we've met has been so very friendly and welcoming. I feel like I'll never learn everyone's names but I keep trying. The best part, is seeing how much Meghan enjoys going to church and hearing her tell us all about the things she learns. Yesterday, I took Meghan with me to the "grown up" church. She had been asking for several days about where we went after we dropped her off at Lil K. She sat so well, sang along to the songs (even though she didn't know the words), and snuggled into me during the sermon. Best of all, she smiled all the way through and announced that "grown up church is awesome!" at the end of the service.

Finding my Voice
One thing I'm still working on, but it has been improving, is finding my voice in those times of darkness. This August will be four years since we lost Max. Robert will be taking off of work for two weeks so we can cling together as we get through the anniversary of his loss and what would have been his 6th birthday. Meghan will be starting school just 3 days later (on the 20th) and a huge part of me wants to just scream about how unfair it is that he never had a first day of school. I am also fearful about how I will physically handle the extra activity Meghan starting school will bring. I would greatly appreciate your prayers and support as we fight through August. Please also forgive me if I seem flighty, as sometimes I just have to cancel without warning, some days are just harder than others. And lastly, if you are local, let me know if I can call on you if I need someone to help me through a rough day.

Thanks for being there!