I welcomed bitterness into my heart. I felt anger towards some of my most loved friends, simply because their children continued to grow while my son did not. I let my pain become hatred when I saw pictures of baby announcements or kid's first day of school. I turned the hatred inward and was self destructive. I sabotaged my own efforts to become healthier. I put myself down. I wanted to give up, I wanted to cease living. Something big was missing from my life; happiness.

I cannot say it was any one thing, but slowly the bitterness started to wear off. I needed to make a decision, do I hold onto my anger and bitterness or do I find ways to create happiness within myself? I started small with Cognitive Behavior Therapy and began challenging my negative, irrational thoughts. More and more often I started spinning my thoughts into positives "Yes, ___ hurts/sucks/is a bad situation, but I can/still have/at least ___."  I started choosing to participate in my own life. I started saying yes instead of no. I started letting people in. I chose happiness.

I want to tell you, letting happiness back in was the best thing I've ever done. I'm always going to have bad days, I'm only human after all, but now I have the tools to get through those bad days. I am allowing myself to live and I'm letting go of the blackness that had taken over. I am managing my life with the help of friends and family, instead of medications. I am letting go of the guilt that for so long followed after the briefest moment of happiness.

And slowly, I am learning to love myself.